"<<display 'octopusInsults'>>" says the rude octopus.\n\nIt's not a fish at all. It's a mollusc. Octopuses<html>¹</html> are probably the most intelligent of all invertebrates, possessing the same reasoning ability as an 11 month-old human. This one has the intelligence of a very rude baby.\n\n"Am I bovvered?" says the octopus.\n\n<<display 'fishFate' >>\n\n<html>¹</html> not octopi. The plural is octopuses, or if you want to be pedantic and follow the original Greek, it's octopodes.
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = $fish_incrementor + 32 >>\n<<endsilently>>Childhood nostalgia for the cheeky little engine couldn't overcome the fact that his cheap processed ham doesn't withstand adult scrutiny.\n\nHaha! You rip a piece out of Thomas's face and squash it onto the hook. Peep peep, motherfucker!\n\n<<display 'catch'>>
What tasty treat's in your bait box?\n\nA bolus of [[egg and cress|baitEggCress]], leftover from the sandwich you didn't eat at work because a client treated you to lunch. It's got to be squished up so it'll get on the hook.\n\nSome [[crisps|baitCrisps]]. Salty V or Prawny C, the fish don't really care.\n\nA lovely chunk of [[ginger cake|baitGingerCake]]. It's too good to give to fish, really. But it's going stale, so you might as well.\n\nA little bunch of purple [[grapes|baitGrapes]]. They're satisfying to impale on the hook.\n\nSome slices of [[ham|baitHam]]. It looks like Thomas the Tank Engine's face. You bought it because it was on offer and you thought it was funny, but it's not that nice. Let the fish have it.
You begin to set up your [[rod]].
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = $fish_incrementor + 8 >>\n<<endsilently>>The stream brings back bad memories of GCSE biology. You were thoroughly sick of cunting caddisfly larvae by the end of that field trip.\n\nIt's not a real field trip unless someone's been sick on the coach on the way home. That time, it was the person sat next to you.\n\nBut now, your time is yours. You admire the rolling morning mist before the rising sun burns it away.\n\n<<display 'rodText'>>
<<silently>>\n<<set $octopus_insults = [\n"Jesus, you honk like a good 'un, you fat cunter,", \n"Who you lookin' at, tossface?", \n"Bugger off!",\n"Why's your nan cut your hair in the shape of a bellend?",\n"Fucking hell, Giles, who does your hair? It looks as though Michael Gove blew his nose on your hair then farted you a side parting,",\n"I bet you can't afford petrol. I bet you just bum your car 'til it rolls down a hill,",\n"You eggy bum!",\n"You absolute fucking twathammer,",\n"Did you shower by standing under a colander your dad was pissing in?",\n"Eurgh, you great cheesy bellend,"\n] >>\n<<set $number_of_insults = $octopus_insults.length >>\n<<set $which_insult = Math.round(Math.random() * $number_of_insults)>> \n<<endsilently>><<print $octopus_insults[$which_insult]>>
You put your catch in a bucket and carry it home proudly. You pause only to get your muddy boots off in the hallway before carrying the bucket into the room where you'd previously set up a nice tank. Maybe it wasn't quite what you hoped to catch, but you love it anyway.\n\nYou and your new friend enjoy many happy years together!\n\nGood end hooray!\n\n<<display 'creditsText'>>
The flatulent shrimp guffs off your hand and lands on the ground, then begins scampering away, propelled by its guffs. Better chase it! \n\nYou drop it in your bucket while you consider what to do with it. It guffs again and the bucket makes a reet funny echo sound.\n\nA shrimp isn't a fish. It's a crustacean, like a woodlouse or a crab or an isopod. Nevertheless, it'll be nice steamed for your tea or be a charming addition to your aquarium, if that's what you want.\n\n<<display 'fishFate' >>
The warbling cocklobster scurries around on its grotesquely penile legs, hooting reedily as you attempt to grab it before it can run back into the water.\n\nYou catch it around its middle, taking care to avoid its pincers. 'Cock! Cock!' it warbles.\n\nLobsters aren't fish. Fish are actually more closely related to you than they are to lobsters. Just as well.\n\n<<display 'fishFate' >>
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = $fish_incrementor + 4 >>\n<<endsilently>>You are one swish bastard.\n\n<<display 'baitText'>>
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = 0 >>\n<<set $fish_type = 0 >>\n<<set $octopus_insults = [] >>\n<<set $number_of_insults = 0 >>\n<<set $which_insult = 0 >>\n<<endsilently>>It's a nice day for fishing. \n\n[[Where will you go?|location]]
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = $fish_incrementor + 8 >>\n<<endsilently>>Maybe you can make your aunt proud today.\n\n<<display 'baitText'>>
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = $fish_incrementor + 16 >>\n<<endsilently>>You dodge the out-of-towners confusedly trying to operate the ticket barriers, and make your way out of the train station. There's a new coffee kiosk. They've got an offer on fruit coolers, if that interests you.\n\nYou walk along the promenade, weaving your way around wailing children with dropped ice creams, and down the pier.\n\nYou sit on the end of the pier and watch for seagulls.\n\n<<display 'rodText'>>
Unexpected! That's not a fish at all! You've rescued a drowning kitten. It's ginger with blue eyes. Isn't it darling!\n\nIt does that purry headbutt thing on your hand as you untangle your fishing line from its little paws.\n\n<<display 'fishFate' >>
[[Roll credits|credits]]
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = $fish_incrementor + 4 >>\n<<endsilently>>You enter the park through the gate, and walk down the road to the pond. A dog saunters up to you as you pass and says hello to you.\n\nYou walk along the banks of the pond, away from the people feeding the ducks. The seagulls there will probably snatch your bait, and the ground looks quite pigeonpooey too. \n\nA heron watches as you approach.\n\n<<display 'rodText'>>
It swims away, cross but apparently none the worse for its ordeal.\n\nBye bye.\n\nIt'll be alright. Probably.\n\nWasn't that exciting?\n\n<<display 'creditsText'>>
Whoa. Something went wrong. \n\nThe game shouldn't display this passage. I guess this means you've caught some sort of horrible abomination.\n\n[[Proceed anyway|fishFate]].
It's the smaller of the two species of greatfish. It's black with white spots. (Not to be confused with the greater greatfish, which is white with black spots.)\n\nThat's good, you suppose. A greater greatfish might be difficult to get home. \n\nSpeaking of which...\n\n<<display 'fishFate' >>
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = $fish_incrementor + 16 >>\n<<endsilently>>It's not very nice to hold. You'll probably have to add more gaffer tape soon.\n\n<<display 'baitText'>>
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = $fish_incrementor + 2 >>\n<<endsilently>>Some pigs watch you as you walk through the forest towards the water. Birds tweet above you. 'Bird,' they seem to say, 'Bird. Bird. Bird.' \n\nYou sit in the dappled shade of a sycamore, and a few seed pods whirl down to join you. Ducks are congregating on the little island in the middle of the lake. \n\nThe odd kestrel hovers above.\n\n<<display 'rodText'>>
It's the bigger of the two species of lessfish. It's white with black spots. (Not to be confused with the lesser lessfish, which is black with white spots.)\n\nA passing busybody admires your catch: "Oo, a lesser greatfish!" Gnnn. You let it go. You feel that somehow, you pointing it out would make you seem the bigger twat.\n\nStill. It's yours now.\n\n<<display 'fishFate' >>
You lay the creature on a flat rocky bit of ground and twat it hard with your little brass club to end its suffering. You take your prize home and eat it with chips or sweet pickled rice or something.\n\nMmm! Good ending!\n\n<<display 'creditsText'>>
Where would you like to fish today?\n\nWalk through the forest to the [[lake]].\n\nTake a bus to the park, where there is a nice [[pond]] for which you hold a license.\n\nBike to the moors and find a pebbly [[stream]].\n\nTake a train to the [[seashore]].\n\nRide the tram to the [[swamp]].
It's an unspectacular herring. \n\nIt has a herring-y smile on its little fishy face. D'aww. It makes a kissy face at you. Aww, kissy herring.\n\n<<display 'fishFate' >>
Fish Is Swimming Here
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = $fish_incrementor + 16 >>\n<<endsilently>>These are too nice to give to fish. You eat a few before pushing a couple onto the hook.\n\n<<display 'catch'>>
What will you do with your squirming wet beast?\n\n[[Take it home and keep it as a pet|fishFriend]]\n[[Put it back into the water|fishEscape]]\n[[Kill it so you can take it home for supper|fishKill]]
What rod have you brought?\n\nA [[pink and springy|rodPinkSpring]] number. It looks a bit silly. It's got a nice cork grip, though.\n\n[[Graphite|rodGraphite]]? Oh, get a load of Mx Flash here.\n\nAn old-fashioned [[silvery and stiff|rodSilveryStiff]] rod that used to belong to your aunt. She won a couple of tournaments with it, so it must be pretty good.\n\nAn [[old and splintery|rodOldSplintery]] one. You're not quite sure why you still have this thing. At least it's intact.\n\nA [[green and lurid|rodGreenLurid]] rod probably marketed at teen anglers. Maybe it's an old one of yours while your normal one is in for repairs. Maybe it's your younger sibling's that you're borrowing.
FISH By [[Inskora|http://www.toddmonotony.com]] for [[Sophie Houlden|http://www.sophiehoulden.com]]'s [[Fishing Jam|http://jam.legendaryfisher.com/]]. \n\nMade with the help of [[Anna Anthropy|http://www.auntiepixelante]]'s [[Twine guide|http://www.auntiepixelante.com/twine/]] and [[Glorious Trainwrecks|http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/]].\n\nSome fish are new additions to our waters and were discovered by the oceanographers [[Lingmops|http://www.lingmops.net]], Icepick, and [[PixelGuff|http://www.pixelguff.com]].\n\nBonus:\nTo learn how the game determines what fish you'll get, check this [[cheat sheet|http://bit.ly/119umwQ]].\n[[Game development thread|http://jam.legendaryfisher.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=109]] on the Fishing Jam boards.\n\n<html><b>A Todd Monotony production</b></html>
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = $fish_incrementor + 2 >>\n<<endsilently>>It's still too squishy to get on the hook, and now your fingers smell of trumps.\n\nYou frustratedly rip a chunk off the remains of the eggy baguette and jam that on the hook instead.\n\n<<display 'catch'>>
You've caught a <<if $fish_type eq 1>>[[bumtrinket|fishBumtrinket]]<<else>><<if $fish_type eq 2>>[[boggins sidepaddle|fishBogginsSidepaddle]]<<else>><<if $fish_type eq 3>>[[lesser greatfish|fishLesserGreatfish]]<<else>><<if $fish_type eq 4>>[[herring|fishHerring]]<<else>><<if $fish_type eq 5>>[[trouser trout|fishTrouserTrout]]<<else>><<if $fish_type eq 6>>[[drowning kitten|fishKitten]]<<else>><<if $fish_type eq 7>>[[greater lessfish|fishGreaterLessfish]]<<else>><<if $fish_type eq 8>>[[rude octopus|fishRudeOctopus]]<<else>><<if $fish_type eq 9>>[[warbling cocklobster|fishWarblingCocklobster]]<<else>><<if $fish_type eq 10>>[[flatulent shrimp|fishFlatulentShrimp]]<<else>>[[mysterious creature|fishZero]]<<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>>.
<<silently>>\n<<if $fish_incrementor lt 97>>\n<<set $fish_type = 10>>\n<<endif>>\n\n<<if $fish_incrementor lt 81>>\n<<set $fish_type = 9>>\n<<endif>>\n\n<<if $fish_incrementor lt 69>>\n<<set $fish_type = 8>>\n<<endif>>\n\n<<if $fish_incrementor lt 61>>\n<<set $fish_type = 7>>\n<<endif>>\n\n<<if $fish_incrementor lt 49>>\n<<set $fish_type = 6>>\n<<endif>>\n\n<<if $fish_incrementor lt 37>>\n<<set $fish_type = 5>>\n<<endif>>\n\n<<if $fish_incrementor lt 29>>\n<<set $fish_type = 4>>\n<<endif>>\n\n<<if $fish_incrementor lt 25>>\n<<set $fish_type = 3>>\n<<endif>>\n\n<<if $fish_incrementor lt 21>>\n<<set $fish_type = 2>>\n<<endif>>\n\n<<if $fish_incrementor lt 15>>\n<<set $fish_type = 1>>\n<<endif>>\n\n<<endsilently>>...\n\nWait...\n\nWait...\n\nWaitwaitwaaaaaaaaiiiit...\n\n...!!\n\nYou've caught [[something|fishy]]!
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = $fish_incrementor + 32 >>\n<<endsilently>>It's got loads of banana stickers on it.\n\n<<display 'baitText'>>
The magenta trouser trout rattles its gill flaps and fans its three-pronged fins.\n\nThe posterior half of its body is black down to the tail fin, making it look as though it's wearing smart black trousers. Strange, uni-legged fish trousers.\n\n'Trout trout,' it says.\n\n<<display 'fishFate' >>
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = $fish_incrementor + 8 >>\n<<endsilently>>Without its characteristic moisture, the stale ginger cake is crumbly and proves difficult to place on the hook. Luckily you find a big piece of turgid ginger to stab it in.\n\n<<display 'catch'>>
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The white-speckled bumtrinket has a brown and globular appearance, and a face like a gloomy Welsh monument. It rolls to the ground and then rolls around squelchily in ineffectual little circles.\n\nYou pick it up again, and it squeaks when you squeeze it.\n\n<<display 'fishFate' >>
Now, to prepare your [[bait]].
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = $fish_incrementor + 2 >>\n<<endsilently>>The added flexibility might prove useful. \n\nThe sparkly purple tassel on the end is probably a bit much, though.\n\n<<display 'baitText'>>
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = $fish_incrementor + 32 >>\n<<endsilently>>You leave the tram stop and purposefully walk away from the route back into town. The pavement becomes a narrow grassy embankment, then becomes nothing.\n\nYou find the trail that's almost guaranteed quicksand-free and follow it to the pools, stepping on tree roots that offer clearance from the underlying mud.\n\nShiny green bugs dart around, sometimes in clusters.\n\n<<display 'rodText'>>
by Inskora
<<silently>>\n<<set $fish_incrementor = $fish_incrementor + 4 >>\n<<endsilently>>How on earth did you expect to get a crisp on your hook?\n\n...Luckily there are some Hula Hoops in your coat pocket. You hang some on the hook. There. Those'll do instead.\n\n<<display 'catch'>>
You land a boggins sidepaddle. It regards you with its amber eyes and pinwheels its paddles and flippers ineffectively. It's starting to raise and quiver its crest angrily.\n\nIt hisses a bit. You'd better decide what to do with it.\n\n<<display 'fishFate' >>