• The Gherkin is a chrysalis.
• London is the largest city in the EU and is bigger than Scotland, Wales and England (including London) combined.
• The Golden Hinde was the Golden Bumme until bowdlerised by the Victorians.
• Tower Bridge can be raised in case Godzilla needs to get past.
• The Monument is the tallest stone column in the world, ascending into the sky forever.
• Metropolitan police horses are actually transmogrified officers. The Met currently employs 12 wizards for this purpose.
• Queen Boudicca is buried under Waterloo Station because she had a falling out with the Wombles.
• The Ark in Hammersmith is the only building in London that will float if the city floods.
• When riding the London Eye it is considerate to give it a little push along by farting.
• The Great Fire of London has been burning continuously since it was lit by petroleum engineers in 1666.
• Spring rolls are normally made anti-clockwise. London is the only place in England where they are made clockwise.
• The Globe Theatre was originally thatched with Shakespeare’s pubes. ‘Globe’ was his nickname for his frighteningly huge scrote.
• The statue of Lord Admiral Nelson in Trafalgar Square has laser nipples and spunks ball bearings on national holidays.
• Lambeth Palace has been the London residence of the Archbishop of Canterbury for nearly 800 years. He refuses to move.
• Farting is forbidden inside St Paul’s in case too many people do it at once and fart the dome off.
• Pregnant people can do pisses in London policemen’s hats. If you’re pregnant with twins you can poo on his shoes too.
• Construction of the Millennium Dome began in 1066 by William the Conqueror and took exactly 1000 years to build, hence the name.
• The animals in Battersea Dogs’ Home are fed the Queen’s old hoops and foofs after they fall out of her lizard cloaca.
• The Tower of London is nicknamed the Bloody Tower because you visit it and say ‘I didn’t bloody think much of that’.
• The Royal Gullgilder’s job is to catch seagulls and paint them black for use as emergency ravens at the Tower of London.
• London’s a dry town. If you want alcohol, find a dead pigeon, push a straw up its bum, and drink the fermented contents.
• Parisian gappe bats now live wild in the tube network. When the announcer says ‘mind the gappe’, flail to scare the bats off.
• ‘Big Ben’ is the name of the bell inside the clock tower, not the tower itself. The tower’s name is Mr Chimney the Time Bastard.
• The Shard is the tumescent penis of a sleeping Jaeger that will awaken to defend the city if Thatcher comes back from the dead.
• All Hackney cabs are legally obliged to carry a bale of hay to shove down the pants of people who say it’s for horses.
• The first train station in London was Euston in 1837. Unfortunately, as it was the first, there was nowhere for the train to go.
• The Statue of Eros was originally the Angel of Charity. In fact it still is; the angel was encased in carbonite and later renamed to throw off Nazis.

Cheat codes:

• Turn on noclip in Hyde Park to find a couple of dummied-out parks.
• Jump on top of each lion in Trafalgar Square without touching the ground to be teleported to the moon.
• Stand in Speaker’s Corner and name 50 fish without hesitation or repetition to unlock big head mode.
• Flip back the head of a pigeon and press the button in its neck to open the dev console. You can change your FOV from there.
• Reskin pigeons by tapping Cleopatra’s Needle N S W W N then:
  • west: spiders
  • east: tiny bears
  • north: frogs

Easter eggs:

• If you put your ear to the platform 9¾ plaque at Kings Cross station, you can hear JK Rowling laughing all the way to the bank.
• If you steal the Queen’s crown off her head and evade capture for 30 minutes you win free gin for life.