"I got drunk again and ordered another sofa."

"Michael Buble's just fallen off the wall."

"She's got willies hanging from her ears. Willies. Willy earrings."

"I had a mate who used 'lol' a lot in texting, so I got hold of his phone and made 'lol' autocorrect to 'suck my balls'."

"I can't get into the Windows box, not even to type 'Fuck you, goddamn Windows box'."

"[Cow-irker] drove over her handbag. It's stuck in her wheel arch."

"Why have we got four nipples?"

"So we can milk each other."

"I'm like Jamie fucking Oliver but less of a knob."

"Stop eating yoghurt with a fork, it's not normal. "